Peace at last

my weekend past...

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 02:25:59 GMT

i care for him so much.

when i first came to his house this past friday he had me get on my knees to give him oral pleasure within 10 mins of me showing up at his place. this is something he does every now and then. i enjoy it emmensly. i enjoy being there to please him however and whenever he wants. he stood there with his hands on his hips. i snuck looks to see his hands there, not daring to raise my eyes any higher (i'm a bit shy if our eyes happen to meet when my lips are wrapped around him) as i sucked and licked his dick affectionately. i felt like he was standing there, hands on his hips, passing judgement or something on me. i felt small, like a lil child, being watched carefully for any mistakes.

i greatly enjoy being his submissive.

we were lying in his futon, kissing and whatnot. i was aching to feel his dominance. he put his hand around my neck, as he sometimes does. i love when he does that, i love raising my chin to expose my neck to him. i deeply enjoy feeling at his mercy. because i trust him so much in that regard, i trust his care and thought and that he will push me far to the edge and over, when he wants. he doesn't push too hard or far, he is so considerate of me. that consideration just makes me want to give it all up to him, makes me trust him so much more with everything i have to offer. there is so much sexual desire in me just from that one act of his hand wrapping around my neck, of his look at me when he does it. this particular time, he commented, with his fingers around my neck, that "you look so submissive right now". that made me so happy, to know that he can see how submissive i was feeling, and to know that he enjoys that about me. i don't think i said much, maybe i moaned. all i could think was i feel SO submissive right now, and so horny right now, all for you. i felt like i would do anything for him.

he also teased my nipples so bad friday afternoon. i don't know for how long, maybe only 10 mins, but it seemed forever, i was dripping wet. fighting so hard not to touch myself, not to squirm away from his touch too much. they were very sensitive and he just kept gently twisting and pulling them, nothing rough, but constant, direct stimulation. oh! i finally resorted to masturbating myself. and he shoved his cock down my throat and got off. i greatly love him above me with his cock down my throat. i love feeling trapped and at his mercy. i enjoy him doing exactly what he wants when he wants. i enjoy that he tells me exactly what he wants when he wants it. i am good at following directions, and i feel so good to bring him to orgasm or make him happy. he always thanks, he is always appreciative. i do my best to return his consideration with thank yous as well. it feels so good to be acknoledged so constantly, and consistantly. so good. it feels just as good to say thank you to him, i say thank you to him more than i think i have all my life! to hear him say "you're welcome", is addicting? it simply feel so good to me, his direct eye contact, his smirk.

and to top the night off? a good, rough fucking session of course :) he was moving in close, and i wanted him to get rough, so i played hard to get and pulled a chair between us. he got me and hugged me. i slipped out of the hug and ran away a few feet and turned around to grin at him. he came up and got the hint. wrapped his arms around me and moved me towards the leather chair in the living room. he bent me over it as he undid my pants and pulled them down to expose me to him. i struggled a lil, but not too much, cause i so wanted him inside me, to feel him thrusting, to hear him cum. he unzipped his pants and put his dick me in and fucked me hard. i enjoyed each pounding thrust, it feels so good. "what's my name" he says and i joyfully reply "Master" as loudly as i dare. "again" he says. "Master" i dutifully reply louder, with a big smile. i love calling him Master. i love following his command. "that's right, don't you forget it" he says. "i won't" i reply, how could i? why would i? he orgasms in me and i enjoy his growls, i enjoy knowing i give him such pleasure. i press my body back into him to feel him deeper inside me. i enjoy each tremble after his orgasm and i smile and sigh and feel very satisfied.

this was my weekend past. 28 hours of pleasure. i am happy with him. i am sexually satisfied with him. i desire no one but him and i wish to do as he asks of me, inside the bedroom, and even a little outside of it. and it's almost been 4 months already!

**hugs doll** you are worthy of him. you are honest and you respect him.

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 13:48:50 GMT

i am frustrated that i trusted him with choosing the camp site. i gave him my card info before even looking at the site myself to ensure it was a good location.

i am frustrated that i'm getting bent outta shape over a $12 cost to switch the site. and that's not even confirmed yet, he's going to call them and see.

i am frustrated that i feel i have no control over what's going on.

i want to have a say in what food we're bringing. it's only for 6 meals, 2 nights, 3 days. i just want sandwiches, fruit and veggies for lunch. hotdogs/hamburgers and s'mores for one dinner, and an easy dinner for when we arrive cause i know it'll be late, we'll have site to set up, and just finished atleast an hour long drive. he wants eggs and bacon for breakfast, that's fine by me. i'd like some snack food, and that should be enough, it's only 2 nights. i don't want to eat rice for the duration of it.

i am frustrated because i feel he wants to buy all this stuff for just 2 nights, and i don't want to do that. all i need's a camping chair, and we could use a crappy frying pan/pot to cook over the fire with. there's not going to be lotsa private areas for him to go hunting descreetly.

i am frustrated because it's going to cost me $700 for just 3 days, at a camp site that's gonna be packed with ppl, close together, and very main stream. the cost is mainly due to the car rental, above anything else. which is a cost i'll have to incur since we don't have a car :P

i'm frustrated because i'm concerned with the timing of my credit card bill and the receipt of OSAP. i want to maintain a good credit rating, but i feel i'll miss a month's payment. not the end of the world, but it'll ruin my perfect credit streak that i've had up til this point in time.

it's okay doll. you're going to see him tomorrow. you can discuss your meal desires then.

*hugs* it'll all work out and be okay, you'll see :)

a night at abstract a couple week ago....glorious...

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 18:58:27 GMT

she comes upstairs and finds him where she had left him. he's talking with a friend of his. she comes up and once he sees her he smiles at her and puts his arms around her shoulders. she smiles at his friend as they continue to talk. she enjoys being at his side. a new song starts and it sounds good. it's near the end of the night at the bar and they're getting ready to go home, but not just yet. his friend walks away and they stand there as ppl begin to dance to the music. he says that he danced to this song with an ex of his. she doesn't mind, it sounds beautiful. she asks him what song it is, and he tells her without hesitation. she tries to commit it to memory. he says that there was a lot of stuff going on around this girl and this song, that it's really emotional. she can tell, it's barely started and she can feel it. she doesn't question but only listens to what he's willing to say. he puts his arms around her shoulders and she leans back into him. they both stand there and watch as ppl dance.

he sees his "sister" dancing and he makes comment that she's "glaring at him" and he doesn't know why. she sees his sister dancing but doesn't notice her glaring. she only feels so proud to be beside him, in this moment, listening to such a wonderful song. she thinks that maybe his sister is a lil jealous of her. their fighting must have something to do with someone's desires. but she doesn't want her happiness coated with such an ugly emotion as being proud of someone else's jealousy or loss. she spreads it out until it's deluted to feel pride that, of all the girls there, she's the one in his arms, listening to him sing the words to the song in her ear. she closes her eyes and smiles as she takes a deep breath in, and out. she is so happy and proud to be this man's girl. she asks him again what song it is, because she's already forgotten. he tells her again. she again, tries to burn it into her memory so that she won't forget. the music is building up and she feels so good in this moment. "...i don't regret the choices that i have made...you'd feel the same...my beloved...these are feelings that do not pass so easily..." the chorus hits and she feels lifted. she closes her eyes to focus only on his voice, the music and his touch. "..time remains..proud...no pain, no feelings....eternity awaits...fly...longing...no pain, no feelings...eternity awaits"

the music levels off and she feels sustained in a wonderful cloud of pride and happiness. she opens her eyes and sees his "sister" bouncing around on the dance floor when it starts up again. she watches everyone enjoying themselves in their drunken dancing. she feels glad that she's not terribly drunk, only enough to feel good. she feels happy that she satisfies him and visa versa. the vocals start again and she is glad that she gets to enjoy this moment a little longer. "my beloved...year...please...something deeper than the need to remember...i do not regret...you'd feel the same..." the music hits the chorus again and she continues to feel so good. "...moments...time...i am so proud...eternity awaits..."

the desire to kiss him comes upon her out of the blue, not quick, but slow, and instant. she slowly releases enough from his arms to turn around close to him. he says what, and she responds with a look and stepping up on her toes just slightly to him for a kiss. slowly she kisses him, passionatly, deeply. she puts her palm on the side of his neck and presses her lips to him, slowly, gently, but firmly enough to hopefully let him know that she is so happy right now and desires him with all her being. "...moments...time...i am so proud...no pain, no feelings....eternity....eternity..." she softly presses her body again him, desiring nothing but simply to be here with him, kissing him. she feels very open and obvious to everyone, but it feels so good to so openingly express her affection for him. the kiss is paused for a moment as she stops briefly to breathe and he says, let's get out of here. the song is still going, but winding down. she agrees without hesitation and holds his hand as he leads her out of this place.

i am worthy, he is worthy (approval seeking, trust)

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 01:26:27 GMT

i am happy to walk in the evening and enjoy the peacefulness and wind and clouds. it's what babydoll likes, so i enjoy it as well.

when he asks me what's wrong, ask him if he's refering to "this", and fill in "this" with whatever you think it's most likely he's refering to.

i do not exepct anything from him.

i am happy in the present moment to be his girl, to be sexually satisfying him.

he is not using you. he is not deceiving you. he is sincere in his smiles. i trust him with my emotions and who i am. he is not thinking of the best way to manipulate or use you.

i deserve his attention. i am worthy of his time and intelligence.

i am deserving of this sexually experienced, intelligent, confidence, considerate goth man. and he is deserving of this girl. i can hold down a job, i am not crazy, i'm fairly emotionally stable, i have a decent head on my shoulders, i don't do drugs and i do what he says.

we were laying in my bed after a good fuck and he was talking about honesty the other day. i brought up again how i'm more obedient and submissive around him than i am around anyone else. i expressed concern over this. i had read in his self help book that it's not good to be approval seeking, which is how i see my actions towards him as being. i do what he tells me and listen and enjoy what he does because i want his approval. i told him that "i like you and i want to make sure that you like me", or something like that. i regret saying that i like him so directly. i knew if we talked about that stuff that it would come out of my mouth.

it's not that i'm a completely different person when i'm not around him, it's not like i hate his music, or what he talks about, or the sex we have. i greatly enjoy the sex and a lot of his music. and i greatly enjoy listening to him talk, i simply may not always be interested in hearing about cars or his games. it's not like i'm terribly emotional and crying and hating and being angry or something when i'm not around him. i simply make sure to watch what i say, think about my words. i still edit my stories to him a little. otherwise they'll be very emotional, and i really don't want to make it any more obvious how much i like him than i already do. and yes, i don't talk as much around him because i know i tend to blurt things out without thinking, and they're usually emotional. i don't want that.

i have some trust issues, and i simply don't feel comfortable under his gaze to go into such details all the time. it's not that i think he'll betray me, or purposely hurt me or use me or manipulate me. i know he is not that type of person. it's not that i'm concerned that the naked pictures he's taken of me will end up in the wrong hands, or that i even car where he went yesterday (or not) with his friends. it's not that, i want to make it clear. i enjoy him taking the naked pictures and he's allowed to have his privacy if that's what he wants.

he's said more than once that he wants to hear me talk more. that he wants me to talk about more personal things with him. he has opened the channel. he's even given me what to say to initiate it in case i don't feel comfortable. all i have to do is say, Adam, there's something on my mind that i would like to talk about, is this a good time? the fact he's done this makes me so happy and makes me feel that he cares about what i would talk with him about.

i talked with him about my sister, and wanting to email her to get us back on talking terms, hopefully. hopefully that's personal enough for him.

he said we'll take it in small steps. i like small steps.

**hugs babydoll** i love you.

pain ...trust ....submission ....sex

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 02:21:39 GMT

i am so happy with my situation. but i am so emotional and i feel so much pain and sadness right now. and it's not just the song. or the terrible heat.

i had the most wonderful sexual experience this weekend past with my bf. went to the club, hung out with his friends, danced and enjoyed his company emmensily. came home to his place and he fucked me so hard everywhere. he commanded me so completely. we roleplayed Master/slave. i have never experienced such domination or degration.

he was so distant. his expressions so neutral, bordering on anger or displeasure. most of the duration i felt i displeased him as a reaction to his face. he explained after, his desire to have complete compliance, obedience. he said i did well. i know i wasn't perfect.

he said after that he felt closer to me as a result of our sexual play. i do not understand how me following his complete command makes him feel closer to me. i do not understand how i want such complete degradation. i do not understand how he enjoys it.

i do not understand how i am so emotional yet so distant. i said nothing after he said he felt closer to me. i did not feel closer to him. if i believed in god i would say, oh help me god, here. i know this is suppose to be my happy place.

i don't like myself, so is it wrong to be who he wants to see if it makes me happy? it's not so different, but so distinctly/specifically different. to be more clear: it's like taking the deepest desire and tweeking it in the slightest, but most meaningful way. i knew was what i wanted, but didn't know how.

i don't know if i've let a soul in. any pain is self inflicted. i can project and reallocate very well. he is one of the most amazing ppl i've ever met, if not the best. intelligent, kinky, confident, adaptable, conscious, original, focused, emotional, understanding, thoughtful. i told him that i want him a couple months ago, and i still want him. i regret nothing, despite knowing that i most likely won't remain his significant other forever.

i am worthy. i am capable of love. i am capable of loving him enough to keep him satisfied. i am worthy or his attention. i am capable of self love and of loving him. i am capable of love. i can and will break the old habits. i am letting him in and risking failure, distaste and solitude.

**hugs doll** i love you, and you're worthy of my love.

work, health, embarrassment

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 01:54:48 GMT

silly me. i know he plays his game on monday nights at his friend's house and thus wouldn't be home. but i took the initiative, put myself out there, and called. surprisingly, i was more nervous than i thought i would be, i'm only calling my bf. not to mean that he's not important, he means the world to me, but it shouldn't make me that nervous to call my bf. you understand, right? of course you do doll. that's who you are.

but i left a good msg :) and he'll get it when he comes home tonight. hopefully it puts a smile on his face :) i feel good for calling anyways, even if i should've remembered that he wouldn't be home before i picked up the phone.

i had a good day. i enjoyed work today, i enjoyed my coworker's company. i enjoyed not having the boss around. i enjoyed the busride home and the grocery shopping. i enjoyed cooking my fishies and peeling/cutting carrots and making my lil trail mixes. i enjoyed the walk over to the grocery store to deposit my $420.19 check (hehe 420). i enjoyed eatting my bad dinner of burger king. i enjoyed writing down my meals for the day.

i know it hasn't been the healthiest lately, but definately better than the crap i was eating the first few weeks on my own. i feel i'm doing good. i'm keeping eating out to 1 or 2 times a week. and i'm working in excercise when i can. it's not the 3 times a week that i'd like of running and crunches, but i am when i can. i'm incorporating walks into my excersize regime as well. cause they count as excersize, and i like them a lil more than running/crunches. i do still enjoy the feeling of a good hard run and pushing myself to do as many hard crunches and pushups as i can.

you are doing great babydoll.

not to mention you have a great bf whom you care about very much.

**hugs doll** g'night

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 04:39:53 GMT

i am so fortunate to have Adam as a bf.

he is considerate and thoughtful. i greatly enjoy spending time with him. i respect him and he respects me. we are open and honest and it feels so good. i am glad that we are so considerate towards eachother. everything just feels so good and i am very content and happy with how our relationship is right now.

i am so glad he isn't a pushover like most of the guys in this world. i am so glad of his intelligence, of his different past to mine, it's all such a relief, so refreshing. i am so glad that i have the opportunity to be his gf right now. i am proud to be his girl.

i feel so beautiful and taken care of.

remember this moment doll, rarely have you felt such encompassing happiness.

**hugs doll**

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 01:19:13 GMT

i am happy :) i am happy to be Adam's girl. i am happy to hear and feel him orgasm. i am happy to follow his command and to please him. he is reasonable and considerate to me, and others. i am content when he smiles at me. i am happy that he's getting to know me, and i him, and that i was up front and honest about my past (cheating and self inflicted harm).

i am very happy for my choice to be with Adam.

i am controlling my deep emotions very well around him. i am ensuring that i have enough personal outlets for myself to release my emotions in private (or with my gf ryoko). i enjoy walks, i treat myself to good food and a movie/episode. i enjoy writing in this journal emensily to releive any emotions troubling me. i make a huge effort here to be positive towards myself, and i feel i am doing a wonderful job at it.

i hope that all the girls "crazy" girls in his past don't compare to me. in other words, i hope that i will not be "crazy" in his eyes.

i am tired of putting myself down, stressing all the time, and being negative, so it does not happen here. when i wrote my first poem/writing for Adam, it was the most positive writing i'd done in a while. that was one of the eye openers for me. thank you Adam for that.

thank you mariah for being kind to yourself and positive and for taking care of yourself emotionally.

**hugs to you babydoll**
i love you, i love you, i love you

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 22:36:40 GMT

my landlord took his fishies away from me. he moved them from the living room to his bedroom. why?! i already had them all named. and i was getting used to hearing the bubbles in the morning when i came downstairs, it was nice.

work is frustrating and stressful. i feel incompetant most of the time. it's been about 2 months now. all i want is a job that doesn't take all my time, that makes me smile because of the ppl, and lets me feel i've accomplished something, without draining me of all my energy all the time.

i am so sore from all the fucking and deep throating. i have never had this much rough sex, in such a short period of time. i was bleeding last week, and today was the first day in almost a week that it didn't hurt to go to the bathroom :/

he's asked me twice if i'm worth his time. is he doubting? does he see my doubts?

i check my email too much and the emptiness of it is driving me crazy.

i had to kill bob this morning. apparently he was infact a girl spider, because i found a lil nest of baby spiders (ew!) on my bullitin board this morning. it's too bad, because i was hoping he would be busy eating all the earwigs in my room to keep me safe. i can handle a spider or 2, but not a whole nest of them.

it turns out i don't have to work this thursday morning, and i already told him that i do. do i correct myself? do i let him come over then wednesday night? how do i tell him that i don't want him coming over without hurting his feelings? i really don't want to continue to be sore, and i really don't want to be up that late wednesday, because now i can spend the extra time studying for my exam on friday.

i enjoy the sex tho, and i enjoy his company and the different way he is and the similarities we share in opinions. i enjoy lazing about with him, i enjoy kissing him and going for walks with him. i enjoy the way he kisses my hand, or when he grabs me firmly. i enjoy the way he slows my world down, and shows me how wonderful it is to be child-like again. i enjoy so much the care he takes of me when we're out walking or on the bus, how he steers me clear of broken glass, keeps an eye out for shady characters and holds me tight when the bus makes a sharp turn. i enjoy his positive feedback on my cooking or stories or sexual activities, and i enjoy the care he takes of me when we're doing something new, to ensure i am okay with everything.

i am working on spending time with myself. i'm rewarding myself when i feel i've done something worthy. i took a nice long walk last night for me after studying for 6 hours. i'm coming to terms with spending time alone with myself, and accepting that there's nothing wrong with that.

i was so grumpy last night making dinner....i couldn't get the lid off the relish jar! i was struggling and swearing and near tears because i had been so set on having sausages for dinner, and i ate good all day long so that i wouldn't feel guilty for eating so badly for dinner. and then i was having such trouble, and there was no one around. i felt like such a helpless girl, and so frustrated and upset. i finally used a butter knife to pry open the lid and it popped off. i was very giddy and satisfied with myself after that. beforehand, i was feeling very dependant on men and i was cursing myself for living alone and not having anyone to open jars. i also swore that i'd never buy a lidded glass jar again to prevent such mishaps :P

here's what to do doll:
1. only check your email every 2 days, onthe even days, when you get home from work/school
2. repeat to yourself 5 times in front of the mirror, out loud, that you are worthy of Adam's time, and think up 5 reasons why you are
3. tell adam that you made a mistake and you don't have to work this thursday, and let him decide what he wants.

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 02:57:09 GMT

I dreamed of him a couple nights ago. It wasn’t the first time. He was singing to me, telling me a story somehow. I was at a house where there was a party going on, a house I’ve never been at before. I don’t remember too much from the dream, but I remember that it was a good feeling.

I thought today that I check my email so often for his emails because I’m used to it from before. i feel not so needy now that i have realized it's simply an old habit i need to break. I have been working with myself to get out of that habit. I’ve been rewarding myself for waiting and not checking my email every couple of hours.

He fucked me so hard that I bled for 2 days. He fucked me so hard that I still have cramps 4 days later. it's painful, and frustrating when i'm sore and can't fuck him the next time i see him. but i enjoy the way he is rough with me, the way we play rape. i love giving him as much control as possible for a period of time.

He makes me nervous. He gives me the dizzying feeling when he’s asking me questions. We were talking about…my friend that asked me out. He wanted to know all the details, and I gave them to him as best I could. I felt bad for not telling him right away. I also felt bad for not telling him that I went and saw this guy at his house and didn’t tell him. i felt so stiff and awkward. i felt so "hard" and distant. it's a good feeling, but also not so good. good in the sense that i like being pushed, being the center of attention a little. bad in the sence that i don't feel as open and trusting of him at moments like that. i do not want to feel like that often with him. i want things to be light and happy and fun and open and honest and respectful and him in control and me pleasing him.

i want him to be happy with me. i want to please him and i want him to like me for me. i don't know if he'll like that. i am still keeping my distance. he told me last weekend that he wanted me to be more forthcoming. that is harder than not seeing boys outside of school/work. i watch what i say because i know once i get going, i speak without thinking. doing that will get me in trouble with him. i know i am not as respectful when i'm talking without thinking. i do not wish to disrespect him. i do NOT want to see his look of confusion when i ramble on, as i have seen on occation already. it cuts deep, it hits an emotional part of me, prolly an emotional baggage part of me, and it hurts so much to see his look of confusion, like i'm the freakiest thing he's seen all his life, and that he's on the edge of disgust.

on the other hand, when he says "good girl"....it hits me deep and brings such pleasure and satisfaction... i've never felt quite like that when giving head, which is usually when he says it. but he says it other times, and it has the same effect. when he says that, i feel that i have pleased, and that brings me such a deep pleasure to hear him verbalize that. rarely has a guy ever made me feel that.

rarely has a guy made me feel a lot of what he makes me feel. when we play rape, it's rough and i do my best to encourage him to be rougher. but he tells me he is easy with me, and takes care not to harm me. the last time we played, he was bending my arm behind my back. he had me by the wrist and was twisting it back very firmly, but i felt his care in the slow way he bent it back. in the attention he gave to the direction he was adjusting me. i feel so much trust for him not to harm me, to know my limits, that i simply want to offer him more control, more of my submissiveness. the responsibility he accepts when i give it to him is amazing. my experience with this has not compared to what he's shown me in these few months. he does not simply take with no thought to me, nor does he give all his thoughts to me, taking away from his control. he has control, confidence and knows all the care that it entails. but he knows how to be a dom, he knows how to please himself first, he knows how to demand, and when to ask. i feel that i have rarely refused him even when he asks. to know that when i am in the frame of mind with him, i would do just about anything if he simply asked. the meer thought that i am at the mercy of his strength and voice turns me on quick and so much. to hear him say that to me, and to have me admit my willingness to serve him sexually, verbally, is very erotic.

it's against how i usually am, how i've been in the past, how i am with others. i do not want this in me to get bored and rebel. i am deeply enjoying this feeling right now. he has me satisfied in more than one way right now and i feel so good. giving up control to him means that i don't always get what i want. but right now, i feel that:
1. what i want isn't always as important as i initially think, and
2. i usually get what i want from him, just on his terms and in his time frame, when he wants to give it to me

the satisfaction he gives me is worth so much to me right now. it is as i said to him: i will do anything i can to get back what we once had.

**hugs doll**
i love you. let him know how much you care about him by telling him verbally !!

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 03:14:08 GMT

i had a dream a couple nights ago. i didn't know at the time if i wanted to write about it, that it why it's a couple days after the fact. i needed some time to think about it. but i don't think i'm much closer to understanding now than i was a couple days ago.

my bf, in my dream, said to me "i know your secret". i don't remember exactly what he said after, if it was my fear of him leaving, or if he actually said that he was leaving.

i have such a huge fear that he is going to find out something about me that he will dislike enough to end our relationship. it's not that i've killed someone, or that i'm lying to him. i am simply doing my best to be the person that i feel he wants. it is what i do at the start of any relationship i have with a guy that i like.

he knew before that i wasn't being myself, he knew that i was editing my emails, i was scruitinizing everything i said. i am still doing that, only not nearly to the exstent i was before. i have been letting my choice of words slip and i have been more open, in my opinion, of my thoughts.

living in fear gets me nothing. it doesn't show him how much i care about him. spending my time here writing how i fear that he'll leave does not show him that i'm thinking of him, that i love him.

do something to show him that you're thinking of him doll.

**hugs** live in love, not fear. take action to show him you're thinking of him, don't waste your time here in fear...go! :)

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 01:29:10 GMT

I let out a huge sigh over the phone. He believes it to be a sigh of elation. No, I reply. Maybe it is partly, but elation is not what I am feeling. I am feeling, I say. I pause, in an attempt to grab these feelings and put them to words. I struggle mentally for what seems like 5 whole seconds. So long, but he is silent as he waits for me to continue. How do I explain that I am so thankful to be the girl that he trusts enough to give oral to? How do I explain that I feel so special to be the first girl, in such a long time, that he trusts enough to give this pleasure to again? How can I express the sadness that I feel in letting him down by having all these problems? The problems that are the reasons he is so picky about who he gives head to. How do I say that I am afraid that I have betrayed his trust because of everything going on? Not terrible-gut-wretching guilt, but guilt none the less. Guilt that is enough to push aside the compliaments of being the first girl he’s trusted in a long time to receive oral from him, resulting in such a sigh.

I express this to him, in my fumbling words, that I doubt accurately convey anything clearly at all. I feel a slight fear that I have overstepped a line that is invisible to me. I fear, simply, that I have said too much. But this lasts for such a short moment, because in no time at all I hear the words “I forgive you.” For him to give those words to me so assuringly, when I see now that I so obviously wanted to hear them, is new to me. If I ever felt elation, I did there. But elation is too strong of a word. What I felt was so subtle and deep. It’s more like a pile of rocks, deep in a volcano, and a ghost of a hand gently lifted one of the small rocks and set it aside, ever so slightly. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” “But, it’s conditional on you following the diet.”

Conditional? I feel disappointment and baggage just starts pouring out of the closet in my mind. Conditional is the only love I get from my parents. Conditional love pushes them away from be because they don’t accept me. I don’t like conditional love. But this is conditional fogiveness. I think of how easily I have his forgiveness, as long as I can follow the diet he’s outlined. Confidence in my ability to accomplish this for 2 weeks is there. The pleasure of his forgiveness feels better than any candy bar or slice of bread would bring me. “I”ll do the diet with you.”

I don’t know if I have ever felt such pleasure as when he told me that. I am sure I have, but when he said that, I felt I was not alone. I felt he was there to help me. I know it was a good 20 minutes into the conversation, and that he had been giving me the advice that I had hoped he’d have when I picked up the phone. I know that everything up to that point from him had been very supportive. But to join me? That surpassed everything prior, surpassed anything that I had imagined the conversation heading, and was like that invisible hand gently touched another little rock and slid it over beside the other one.

I understand the analogy. Just feeling it isn’t clear enough to me, but when I can explain it as I have, I understand. I know how I am in relationships. I know I put up walls. I know that I try and be as close to the person that I think is wanted. I know I distrust where there is no reason for it. I know I see everything through a hazy glass of perfection. I also know that the walls crumble, eventually, and I trust the person. I know that the glass eventually breaks and everything is razor-sharp clear and ugly. I know that I eventually get tired of being someone I’m not and begin to rebel, reflecting the person I am when I was living with my parents. I know that there’s nothing quite like the feel of something new.

*hugs* to you babydoll. you saw something you wanted and you went after it. :)

i am so thankful and happy and pleased to be his girl. to hear him call me all the names he thinks up, to watch him smoke, to give him smiles and laughs and pleasure....it all gives me such pleasure and satisfaction. i feel so light and relaxed. i almost feel that if anything happened, it'd be okay, as long as he was with me.

he is a benefit that i am so happy to have in my life atm.

babydoll, you're geogeous and i'd fuck you anytime :) i look forward to spending this sunday with you.

Mon, 07 May 2007 18:10:28 GMT

why does he have to go and do that and prove my new guy right? why does the old guy have to msg me on msn and say things like i "used" him for the last 5 years and that "his dad gave him his grandmother's ring over a year ago to propose" to me with?

why? what good does that do me now?

if he's all choked up about it why didn't he propose over a year ago when he got the ring? seriously?

why was he sitting on it? he must've been having doubts ffs. but instead he throws it all on me like it's my fault. bitch.

and i used him? didn't he say once that he knew i'd leave? that he knew i was using him and he even said today that he let me. wtf? so just because i moved up here to canada and used his financial stability because i cared about him i'm a horrible person. fuck you! home was horrible, i wanted out, and you offered. it was only for 2 of the 5 fucking years that i was going to school and dependant financially on him. i paid for the first fucking year my fucking self and worked a fucking year once i graduated to help pay for my last 4 semesters. i would've gotten financial assistance from my parents if i stayed in the states. and if i was such a fucking financial burden then why the fuck did he keep me around.

for the sex? cause i was looking good to him and his fat ass? who was using who? fuck you. i'm pissed.

thanks doll, thanks for the vent. now i can concentrate on something more productive, like ensuring i know my shit for my new job.

**hugs* smile, it's a geogeous day, first day of a new job tomorrow. be happy from within. don't rely so much on the surrounding events.

Thu, 03 May 2007 04:05:42 GMT

only day 3? it seems like an eternety since i emailed him asking him if he would take me back, if we could please continue our relationship. it's only been 48 hours. i feel that he would atleast respond to me, even if he didn't want to hear from me again. i feel that he would give me that respect, right?

i feel alone, but as my friend mike says, i'm never alone.

i feel that i must've said something wrong in the email. that the meer act of sending it was disrespectful of his privacy. that the meer fact that it's been 2 months was too long. i fear that i've ruined it before it's even begun.

i fear if i'm given the opportunity with him, that it won't work out. i've never been broken up with, i've always been the one breaking things up, and i fear that he would be the one to end things, that i would have so much on the line, that i'd be so depressed and wanting him back at any cost. and at any cost would only degrade me in his eyes and make me more undesirable. a catch 22.

so many fears right now, so many doubts. frustration that i haven't heard from him. amazed that he's already made me cry atleast 3 times in axiety over whether he still wants me. and the first time he made me cry was half for that, and half cause i felt like a whore, which is kinda similiar, cause no one wants a whore a second time.

so many fears and doubts. not qualities that are really a selling point.

i half fear of receiving an email from him at this moment because i fear it will be denial. atleast at this moment in time i am in doubt and can hope for acceptance. i can imagine what i will say, run it over in my mind, replay the happpiness, the relief.

i know he won't want to have sex at first. i imagine he'll want to ease back into it. anyway he wants to do it is fine with me, as long as i get to stand beside him in the end. as long as i can see his smile and slow nod of approval. as long as i can hear his deep voice giving commands in the bedroom, and his respect and politness outside of the bedroom. his ability to differentiate is amazing and adds to his ability to surprise with variety. not many ppl that i've met are able to separate. i know i have difficulty with it.

have some confidence in yourself doll. it has been 2 months, he prolly put you behind him. he only needs some time, please be patient. you are worthy of him. and he does care for you. i believe that he enjoyed the sex with me. i find him amazing in bed, but i'm sure he gets that from all the girls, and the last thing i want to do is sound like all the rest of them.

please have patience, give him some more time. if you haven't heard anything in a week, send him another msg. a week is plenty of time i believe? respect him and give him space and your patience. be positive.

please Adam please. i hope that i please you as much as you do me. please. i want you.

Tue, 01 May 2007 06:32:06 GMT

day 2 of living on my own and i'm having a bad evening.

i know it's partially because i'm so tired.

positive things about today:
i worked 3 hours and made $27, i got a ride home from my coworkers (even tho i felt bad about having them drive outta there way), i was able to get the affidavit nulled, i was able to finally send the email i've been wanting to send Adam for the past 2 months, i had a very promising interview today at a job that would pay me $10/hour and work around my schedule, i was told in the interview that i have a nice personality, i was able to get my bus pass after waiting in like 50 mins, i saw atleast 4 ppl trip on the escalator (which was quite amusing to me)

the only things that are bring me down right now are the bad feelings about my coworkers having to drive me home tonight, my roommates suggesting i wear sandals in the house cause my feet are dirty and leave marks on the floor, and that Adam hasn't emailed me back yet.

my coworkers didn't have to drop me off, i only wanted to go to the office, i said that, i was willing to walk the rest of the way home.

and it's good that my roommates tell me these things so that i can change and be a good roommate that they like and that they'll want to keep around. the rent is so cheap, i doubt i'l be able to live elsewhere for as little. all inclusive for $300? come on! internet, phone, everything! i am so lucky that they posted it that night, and that i saw it and responded and accepted so quick. all i need to do is make an effort to be as clean as i can whereever i go outside of this room, in this house. leave nothing in the shower/sink. leave the sink in the kitchen area clean, whip the counter after each meal, keep my things away, wear slippers of some sort to keep my dirty socks off the floor. that's all.

and as for Adam, i didn't expect him to email me. it's only been a few hours since i emailed him. it's just my anxiety of not knowing if he'll have me. maybe i've waited too long, maybe he won't like me once he hears that i've inflicted harm to myself and cheated in the past. maybe he'll realize that i'm too emotional and have too much emotional baggage and cause him simply more trouble than i'm worth, no matter how good i am at deep throating or however much i enjoy bondage.

i fear i'm not good enough for him.

you're a wonderful girl doll, any guy would be lucky to have you. you're sexy and kind and easy going, to a point.

all you can do is hope. it's out of your hands. let him have the control. trust him to have the control.

*hugs* get some sleep doll, it'll help. get your room organized and trust him to respond when he so desires.

and be a good, clean roommate. be considerate, treat it like you're at a guest's house. can't go wrong then

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 23:01:22 GMT

i'm angry. i'm that all our friends for the last however many years are all on his side. i am hurt and angry that to leave him means that i lose tham all and they all pamper him. it makes me feel like the bad guy. it makes me feel like they never really liked me. i know i'm quiet and reserved but i always cared for them. losing them if i left him was on my mind before i thought of losing him! ffs. but no one has msged me. no one has contacted me. instead they send him msgs of sympathy and offering to take him out drinking to help him get thru his sorrow.

did it ever occur to them that maybe i need some sympathy too? that i've spent the last 5 years with a man i don't love. that i've been unfilfilled in bed by him. that he no longer makes me the person i want to be?

i'm not saying that he doesn't need the sympathy. any man who would stay with a girl who cheated on him twice and who still lvoes very much, would need all the sympathy he can get. but what about me? it's not like i'm leaving cause he's perfect and he satisfies me. don't i desearve anything for that? for getting the courage to leave? when i should've left after the 1st time i cheated?

i'm angry that he never asked me to marry him. 5 years and never once. i'm jealous that my younger sister has had the honor of having a man ask her, with a ring, to marry him, and i haven't. even tho he refused him and it was real messy, someone wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and was willing to buy the ring and put himself out there. 5 years and i didn't even get that honor. he always had excuses instead.

doll, you do desearve a little sympathy and respect for what you're doing. it takes a lot of guts. i am sure that they don't hate you, i'm sure they simply don't know what to say. and are a lil defensive for his sake towards me.

*hugs doll* hold your support group tight with your gf and your friend out of province. and here was well. don't be atraid to feel, simply don't wallow in it.

i plan to establish a nice running/workout regime once i've moved out this weekend. it'll be a good destressor/deangerer.

and try not to worry about work, you will find a job soon. cash flow may be a lil tight the first few weeks, but you'll get thru. if your survived that boss that yelled you can handle anyone. anyone else'll be a piece of cake and such a pleasure to work with.
you are very capable. just a lil "lacking in confidence". the other guy with help with that, i hope.

**hugs** almost there doll, 4 more days and you can email him, the moment you've been waiting for for 2 months. if i prayed, i would pray that he'd accept me. for now, i hope with all the hope and dreams i can gather.

**hugs** smile and sit up straight, you are worthy.

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 23:30:21 GMT

he is the one who makes me write happy things. i probably wrote happy things before, but not in awhile. he gives me happy, horny, exciting things to write that i'm feeling. it's 100 times better than writing depressing stuff. i'm writing sultry stories that come to my mind with him as inspiration. i feel like i'm in a constant state of arousal right now simply because of everything going on. i masturbate to his thought atleast twice a day for the last week it seems. and it's not like the masturbation started last week either, it's been going on for months.

yesterday evening was perfect. i saw him, came to work, found a room for rent that was posted just yesterday for the price i was hoping for, and furnished! imagine the luck of that. i see him and there it is. i saw the room last night and told them i'd take it. i'm calling them tomorrow to tell them when i'll move in (the 26 or 28th). i simply don't fee like time is going quick enough. i want to move out ASAP so that i can send him the email asking him to go out with me. i'm hoping he'll say yes. i'm so excited and unsure and nervous about everything.

you are never alone.

i hope that he likes me, i hope that he accepts me. i have fears and uncertainties. i have fears he will accept me and dislike me in the end. i have fears of him rejecting me straight out.

act maturely on emotions, be honest and be happy. that is all i feel he requires of me. those are things i want to practice.

i want to see his smile, see and feel his approval. watch him smoke his cig, stand beside him for the world to see. feel his hands on my head and dick in my throat.

less than a week doll. you can move out in less than a week. then you my msg him, only once you can meet all his requirements. be patient, please do not hurry, go slow. it's okay, it will come.

**hugs**

omg - early in our relationship

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 21:14:26 GMT

i saw him. he didn't turn around but it was him. i'd recognize him anywhere, atleast i'd hope. he was waiting at the bus stop not half an hour ago looking at a time schedule in his hands. all black clothes, black backpack. no sun glasses. short sleeves. i was making a right turn, looked left and there he was. the typical dry throat and shallow breathes. i didn't know what to do. i hit the brakes and sat there. hit the gas and then stopped again. gas, brake, atleast once more. i'm on my way to work. he doesn't want to hear from me. will he look. silently urging him to turn and look at me. hear the revs, please. notice me please. i don't have a date of moving out, i can't speak to him. but i want him. i want him to know that i'm moving out soon. i can't ask him to wait, but please know that i want you and i'm moving out soon. please understand. please accept me.

i didn't think until after i drove off, to honk the horn to get out and get on my knees before him, head bowed.

i want him. i just masturbated to his thought not an hour ago. i've got a possible apartment, tentively planning to move out at the end of the month, but it's not confirmed. the guy's still deciding if he wants to sell the place! of all the times. i want things to start as soon as possible. i want to know if he'll take me as soon as possible.

i couldn't've said anything to him. i have nothing. anything would've been disrespectful of his wishes. i'm glad i didn't say anything. i'm kinda glad he didn't turn around. his shunning would've been devastating. that is all he could've given me at the moment. it is best to wait until i can fulfill his ultimatum.

i want an apartment now. i want to be able to offer myself to him. i want to be able to have sex with him.

please hang in there doll. please be strong and move out soon. please put yourself out there for him to accept or reject. you hope that he accepts, you are trusting him to accept you. please, trust him doll. trust his deep voice and his understanding and sexiness (ok, the last part was horniness speaking). please.

*hugs*

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 18:07:12 GMT

i'm fearful, and horny. i've barely had intercourse in the last 2 months. i feel a sickness coming on and have been taking echinicia the last few days in hopes of warding it off. i've been emailing my spouse almost daily for the last week to try and keep communication open. but i'm not really into it. i want a sign. i want a reason to leave or stay.

we had oral sex the other night with my spouse, it was good and hot and actually got me turned on without me having to make an effort. i deep thoated him for the first time. thanks to all the practice sessions i had with my bf. only a few months with him and i'm deep throating my huge spouse. it's been 5 years with him and i haven't gotten that close before. i realize that practicing on someone who was not as big around prolly helped. and plus the motivation i had to take my bf completely, and his encouragement, didn't hurt. it makes me horny just thinking about it.

i get horny at just about anything about him. i think of his commands and the sex and it's such a huge turn on. the fact that anal sex with him doesn't hurt is a turn on and makes me willing to do it again with him. his RP that he let me experience with him was so hot and nearly perfect in my mind. i enjoyed the embarrassing dialogue, the embarrassing poses he wanted me to do on the spot, the fact that he told me what to wear, how to do my hair/make up. i enjoyed his experienced whipping to my legs/bum/back that slowly became more intense. i greatly enjoyed his teasing and his touch making me jump when i was expecting the whip. i enjoyed his music selection, i enjoyed the whole mood he set, i enjoyed the time he put aside to plan and do the RP with me. i enjoyed satisfying him with all my holes. i enjoyed feeling the cum drip down my legs.

i enjoy him taking my head and pushing his dick deep down my throat. i deeply enjoy trying to hold it there as long as i can to please him more. i love the feeling of not being able to breathe because of it. i enjoy spending the extra 5 mins shaving my legs
so that i can feel/hear his satisfaction at running his hands along my smooth legs.

i am fearful of a lot of things around the desision that i'm being more flakey about than anything else in my life, by such a huge difference. i'm fearful of
1.   fear of being alone
2.    fear of regret
3.    fear of projecting a parental figure on him
4.   fear of living in a fantasy that i always need to find something better in life
5. fear of losing such good inlaws and friends
6.    fear of changing who i am and not liking it
7.    fear of him hating/dumping me

a lot of those are fears that i've had for a long time, and are constantly looming over me. i'm fearful of my bf hating me because i kept a lot of who i was hidden from him for fear that he wouldn't like me. he doesn't like emotional girls with a bunch of baggage, or angry girls. that's me. i don't want it to be me, i'm angry because i hate myself a lot of the time. i fear that i'm not the kinda girl that he would want as a gf, or a wife. but now that i've tasted him (literally), i want more. but i fear that my emotions will flow out
and he won't enjoy the constant roller coaster. and i fear that i'll be unable to keep my emotions in check and be able to
handle them as adult like as he does.

he didn't yell at me. i did something horrible to him and he didn't yell. yelling is something that i find very hard emotionally to deal
with. to have a guy that doesn't yell at me is so appealing....

i should be studying atm but i am unable to focus with thoughts of my bf. i fantasize about him, i desire him. i want to feel his control around me, i want to feel his presence beside me, i want to feel his cock inside me, anywhere :P i want to feel the peace
i always felt when i was around him, the relaxation and calmness. i do not want to be an emotional mess all the time. i am an emotional mess right now and i don't like it. i'm stressing all the time. i so deeply enjoyed the one day with my bf a week, 24 hours of him and sex and talk and music. that was enough to escape for the week from reality, it was enough to satisfy. i was still horny thru the week, but that was from thoughts of him. enjoying the day past and all the good feelings and orgasms, and looking orward to the following weekend's orgasms and relaxing and commands. i was always interested to see how he would invite me over in his ever so polite way. interested to see if he was interested in doing anything, like going to his club, or just fucking the whole time. interested to see what he wanted to do with me that week.

my emotional fantasies, even if they're depressing and emotional messes, are an escape from reality that i slip into. i need to find escapes from realtity that are healthy and happy. having the days mesh together and disappear in sadness is no way to live a life. i enjoyed the happiness with my bf, that was a good escape from realtity. the submissive role i took on with him, the politeness that i am practicing because of him is so appealing. i want to be a person that is polite and kind. a person that he cares for and goes out of his way for. his smile and nod when he approves is so fulfilling, so deeply fulfilling.

i said it into my reflection in the window today. "i am so sorry for the trouble i caused you, i was completely out of line. i have moved out, ended my relationship, and i am asking you if we can please continue our relationship, completely at your discression and control. i will never impose a single limitation on you. " omg to see him smoking, i could masturbate to that...." i will never flake
out" this is where i stumble. i fear that i may flake out again like this. how can i promise not to? how can i ensure that i never will gain? "i will never engage in another relationship or one night stand while i'm with you" done and done....he is all i sexually desire, his gentle command, his consideration, his cock. "i will communicate all important issues to you, no matter how personal" my mistake in the past, my fear of being too emotional or giving him more information than he wanted to hear controlled me. i find that as long as i rethink and edit my thoughts before communicating with him, my feelings are okay to communicate to him, as long as they are mature and understandable. "i am here completely for you, and i will do anything to have our relationship continue how it was before" that is the other spot i stumble over. to be completely there for him...i feel i'm putting myself out there for him, completely. without knowing if i will get the same in return. that is scary for me. to trust him to return all that i am giving.

**hugs to you doll**

i'm going to go masturbate now to his thought. the only thing that has brought me to orgasm in the last few months.

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 00:25:44 GMT

i'm in the same exact position i was a month ago when i posted. the days have short and my night's long (due to sleeping 12 hours or more and being awake, if you can call it that, for less and less time).

how do i make this positive? i have been stresssing more rather than being depressed. but lately it's been getting to be too much. i'm going to see a councelor at the school tomorrow, or atleast make an appointment. i need to talk to someone, even tho i know the answer they're going to give me.

i fear taking the risk and losing everything, i have so much to lose. but i also know that i want him and that he will not overlook what i do if i leave. he is not a mean dom. he is a super sexy experienced man that is a kind dominate and not a hypocrite and very emotionally developed.

i do not want to live my life in fear. i also do not want to live my life constantly and always looking for something better, some dream world that doesn't exist.

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 19:51:39 GMT

i am so angry at him. the honey moon is definatly over, it's been over for a while here. now i'm so intwined with his family and friends that movingout on my own is such an isolating and fearful experience that i am avoiding it at the risk of regreting taking this chance with my bf. i know if i break it off i couldn't go back. and even if i could, how could i take the looks from his family and friends? i simply couldn't bear it.

little things bother me so much. i realize that my bf on the side would have little things that bother me too. no one's without their differences.

i am angry that i have to choose between the two of them. my bf on the side is so sexually desirable right now. every other thought is of him, every sexual desire/thought is of him. but for the long term? i can't think of any reason that would make him different from every other guy i've dated. i always get bored of the sex, bored of the person, and simply move on. not that i've had lotsa experience in the dating field (more one night stands than bfs).

i really like his dick, the bf on the side. is it possible to have a dick that's too big? i think so. his is atleast a good size that so that it hits the good spots, and fits perfectly in my mouth. deep enough to choke, but not so big that it's terribly uncomfortable and near impossible to deep throat without being a porn star. his stanima is also superb! i've never met a guy that goes more than twice in a session. i admit that it is a bit much sometimes, and did make me sore last time. but that might've been from the condoms because i haven't had that problem in the past? and i also greatly enjoy the fact that he's not cut. he's not the first guy i've met like that, but i didn't realize how much i enjoyed til him. he's very sexually aware and experienced. and the fact that he doesn't have a porn star dick means that we can have anal with a lot less pain on my part. i was actually so surprised at the lack of pain with him the one time we did it. not that i've had any guy do anal besides my spouse. but anal with my spouse is so outta the question, it's way too painful. i don't know how much of a difference what the bf did that my spouse isn't doing to make it feel good. i think the main attributing factor is size. but i do admit that his skill is a great pleasure to experience and feel that it prolly played a part that night.

my spouse doesn't sexually appeal to me anymore. could it be simply because i haven't had sex with him for almost a month now? he's not encouraging me to be the person i want to be anymore. it was like he was phase one, the bf onthe side is phase two, you know? i wasn't ready for the bf on the side, but that step in the middle helped me progress enough so that i am ready (i think?) now.

i'm being so indecisive. this is such a hard decision. in just about every other romantic movie, isn't it? does the girl choose the rich guy that she'll never want for anything and live the nice life in the big city? or pick the not so rich guy, but he can support you (with your help) and you'll get by financially, andbe showered in love? but only i get love in both situations. i'm happy in both situations. that's what makes it difficult.

the fact that i'm questioning means that there's something wrong. ie the lack of sex. it's detaching you doll. you're forgetting how good the sex is with your spouse, it's not bad.

goals for doll:

1. get the sex life back up to par and see if that makes it any easier to forgoe the bf

now you're just stalling doll. the longer you stall, the less likely your bf on the side will be available, or even interested in you.

your sister saidyou're making this too hard. granted she didn't have all the information, but could she be right?

the bf and my sister wouldn't get along. i know that. while visiting her i thought of 3 reasons why i shouldn't choose the bf, and that was all i could think of:

1. he wouldn't like my sister 2. he's moody and demanding (very parental like) 3. and i couldn't remember the third one before, and i can't now either.

this is so emotional, i realize that. i'm in such a state atm. i knew exactly how horrible i was treating my bf on the side. i knew it as i was doing it, how bad is that? terrible. why didn't i do anything differently? because i wasn't sure how to. i didn't want to break it off with him, because i didn't want that. i didn't want him to wait for me, i didn't want him to feel disrepected when i listed the difficulties i was facing around my decision. i didn't know how else to word it properly to avoid all of those things. i regret not telling him sooner that my spouse was jealous. i justified to myself that it was too personal and of no great importance to him. i know there is nothing i can do about the situation now. i can only move forward and do what i can to correct it. and if i want the bf, i need to take positive steps toward getting him.

i realize that even if i go thru all the steps, that he might not want me, he might not like me, i am a scorpio and all. i do cause a lot of drama in my life. and i know i am changing myself to satisfy what he wants. but i feel that i am changing it for myself. i never realized how rude i can be. and even if i choose not to be with him, i am making a permanent change in myself to be more polite and respectful.

i want him. illogically, and half with pussy, i want him. i'm so close to throwing everything away with my spouse, all the friends, family, my puppy, just to have the chance with my bf. just the chance. i want more. i'm willing to give up so much for just more. i don't expect anything long term, i feel that would be unfair to him and risk losing him again.

how do i differenciate between his dominace and my parent's dominance? how do i justify being with someone who would not want me if he read this, all this emotional crap? how do i give it all up and show no regret when i look him in the eyes for years?

how do i ensure that i don't fuck up? i fuck up left right and center, all the time, in almost every way? every step around him, i feel like i'm walking on glass. being with him makes me so conscious of what i'm doing, what i'm saying. he limits how i say things to him, he takes no commands. he takes no rudeness, no shortness, no disrespect. i like it. i keep asking myself if he limits me. that is the thing that fears me, to feel stuck, with no options. it fears me that if he was ever limiting me, he'd see it, or i'd have to tell him, and he'd be gone. he's as respectful as he expects me to be.

the fear with him is that he sees right thru me, he hardly knows me and he knows when my mind is occupied. i know i'm easy to read, but he calls me on it. he expects truth and non emotional responces.

i pissed him off, badly, and he lets me give him a massage to help remedy the situation. i wasn't too keen on giving an hour long massage on command, but i felt satisfaction that i had a task that i could physically do, and easily perform, to help make me feel i was part of the solution to a problem that i cause, completely. that is a feeling i've never felt before, and there was a satisfaction deep in me that was a completely new feeling, or atleast something i hadn't felt in a long time. he is logical and fair and just. i fear the just punishment to my future mistakes.

but the feeling of escape when i visit him and when i'm with him, is unmatched by anything i can think of atm. the justaposition of his respect/consideration outside of bed and the dominance and (not degration, but simply more loose? i don't know the word) in bed is relief and so deeply satisfying to what i need.

i worry that i am focusing on the good with the bf, and only the bad with the spouse. because the bf can be very talky, and moody. i'm a fairly social girl, i like to be around ppl that are talking with me, but i really don't like the center of attention. i know he doesn't have many friends. he's not the most social person, about once a month was all the socializing he did. i don't know how well i am at making friends on my own, not very good i know. i have no best friends atm. but i'm starting to realize that there aren't really a lot of ppl that i want to be that good of friends with.

the bf is also very anti social when it comes to rude ppl, hence my concern with my sister/family/friends. he's very picky with the ppl he hangs out with. which definatly limits the amount of friends he has.

goals for babydoll:

1. focus on entertaining yourself and not relying on others to amuse you.

i fear being alone. i fear having no friends at work and living alone and being alone and having no one caring about me. and going all day for weeks without having a meaningful conversation with anyone directly. i enjoy WIS, i feel part of a family, even tho i don't say much, i feel that they care, somewhat.

my sister said a very sweet thing, she said that no matter what i choose to do, i'll still have her as a sister.

**hugs doll**

she also said that if we did what we wanted all the time, we'd be the same as animals. but i really want to be with him.

**hugs doll** seriously this is a really hard decision, if i think about it. if i don't think about it, it's obvious, go to the bf.

work on those two goals doll. i know you'll daydream in class. maybe use that sexual energy tonight on your spouse, see how things go. and be happy you finally had a chance to write in peace....as much peace as an open lab can offer.

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 23:01:59 GMT

i find that my muscules are sore a lot. i wake up and i have a kink in my neck. i'm simply sitting down and i'm as tense as if i was taking a test! i try and fall asleep and all i can think about are things that worry me and make me tense up and my heart race. my heart can double it's BPM in seconds, i've felt it do it before.

i have been paying attention lately to my stance when i'm at rest, and my thoughts. i've been trying to sit up straight, to have better posture. i'm not sitting up straight right now...reward for being consciencious in class and sitting up the entire time. it feel so much better for my back and shoulders.

my thoughts can also make my shoulders tense very easily. i find that if i pay attention, my shoulders are usually almost up to my ears (well not literally, but i can drop em a lil no problem once i notice how tense i am).

i'm trying to have better posture on the computer and walking as well. i want to keep my head back a lil more, rather than being hunched forward. it's so ugly, and i don't want to be ahunchback in my old age, or now!

promises to self:

1. pay attention to posture when sitting and standing. relax shoulders and put head back. sit up straight.
2. pay attention to thoughts when at rest/falling asleep. no need to be worrying about stuff

take falling asleep last night, there's no way you can fall asleep when your heart's racing! no wonder it takes me an hour or more to fall asleep, i don't actively relax :P i actually started repeating a lil mantra (i suppose we could call it that) to myself to get myself to relax. i kept saying that i love you...i love you....you have nothing to worry about.... i like to think it helped and that i fell asleep soon after. i will try it tonight.

3. repeat the mantra "i love you" to encourage self love. think of an example of something you love about yourself.

chewing nails is a nasty habit isn't it? it's so ugly to watch, ugly to hear....ugly to look at the nails of someone who does chew them... i have tried lotsa ways to stop...the gross tasking nail polish even...which didn't really work cause i got used to the taste and did it anyway....

it's all about the motivation. i stopped chewing them for about 2 weeks before vacation because i wanted to have pretty nails while i was down south. i did it with little effort. but can you imagine what my nails looked like after i returned? just like hell.....

i have an oral fixation... and i know all those boys are thinking oh goodie...but that solution isn't really feasible when i'm sitting in calss or at work now is it?

gum sometimes works, but it's just not the same feeling.

to get a tongue ring is a lil scary....tho i did get my tits done...and nothing's more important to a girl than her tits, short of her womanhood, of course. i just don't know if i'm comfortable with the conitation that comes with a girl having her tongue peirced (that she gives lotsa head, is a whore perhaps?) nor do i know how well that would go over in my profession. i realize that a person can hide it pretty well, but it's still visible on a certain scale. and i wouldn't be able to talk for a few days and i'm sure it would hurt like hell! and prolly more likely to get infected simply because it's in the mouth.

plus, would it really ehlp me to stop chewing my nails? which would be the reason i'd get it (not just to appease boys! i can do that just fine without extra metal in my mouth).

anyways, that's just still up in the air.

the real problem is me cracking down hard on myself to seriously just stop wanting to chew my nails.

4. find a way to stop chewing my nails....maybe a chart with stars and rewards? (i really tried that when i was young too hehe)

*big hugs to doll* relax...the uncomfortable pain will pass. there are lotsa good things to look forward to despite the pain. like the fact that you're actually warm atm (it's so cold in the house, outside, everywhere!). i don't have to have a shower tonight when i go home (had one this morning). and i get to sit in class...just about one of my favorite things to do...cause it requires no responsibility on my part :)

**lotsa love!**

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 18:51:34 GMT

very, very good i said....very, very *very* good....

it's all relative. that time wasn't exceptionally better than any other time. it's all realtive to how i was feeling before, to how i felt after. and it wasn't even that i was feeling "higher" than i had before. it was that i was feeling a lil down before, and afterwards i was feeling not down, about average.

maybe i compensate by egsagerating with the very very goods...

maybe i am trying to fool myself into thinking that it's still good when it's really not as good as i thought it was. the honeymoon's passing. such a sad feeling really. specially for someone like me who gets such a fix off the honeymoon :)

my bf's so similiar to my spouse...it's kinda annoying at times. only difference is one has a house and the other is unmotivated in an apartment. and one is 100 times more dominate than the other. they share same interests, opinions, desires re: intellect. the same method for learning....which is zeroing in one one thing and learning as much as possible. and they both get bored halfway thru projects.

promises to self:

1. focus on the person, not the honeymoon, because the honeymoon will ALWAYS pass
2. do not compare ppl, they aren't the same, dispite how many similarities they have
3. do not judge ppl, everyone is different, even if they appear to be in the same stereotype

**wraps her arms around doll**
relax, sit up straight, you're worth it.

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 16:04:31 GMT

How do I tell him that I like him more than a fuck buddy without being a sobbing mess? I can’t. if I tell him now I’ll be an emotionally messed up, unappealing girl that’s a scorpio. I like to pretend in my head that he already knows but we both know that that’s just wishful thinking on my part. I like to think that because he knew I wanted to have sex with him before I was even sure of it that my liking him is obvious and he’s simply waiting until I make the first move. The difference is that the way I want my reality to be is usually not the way it is. I’m dreaming and being unrealistic.

He’s a lil conceited and full of himself. He sometimes throws thoughts/perceptions of me that aren’t correct. I could easily see him assuming I wanted him sexually from something that doesn’t necessarily mean that I do. I could only consider me staying at his house til 3am something that I did because I liked listening to him talk. He’s smart and original. I didn’t think of having sex with him until he mentioned that he goes to abstract. That lead me to believe that he would be atleast more open to sexual stuff. And only then did I consider having sex with him, if it ment that I could possibly have some hawt kinky sex, kinkier than what I’ve been having with my spouse.

It is really hawt tho when he knows my mind is elsewhere and he calls me on it. Hawt when he asks the first time. Any further inquiries make me uncomfortable and withdrawn. But he hasn’t done that beyond the one time. The other few times that he’s asked a hard question, I got a second look, but he waited. Why would it appeal to me to be so transparant? Because then it gets ppl to ask about me. I enjoy talking about my misery.

So tea party’s depressing? I guess I shouldn’t download anymore of that then. Atleast not listen to it much, I still enjoy it. And not all the songs are depressing in my book, like heaven coming down or stargazer.

You need to be happy with the relationship as it is mariah. What is there not to like? You get to fuck him, you get to listen to him talk about whatever it is that’s interesting him that day. Going over to his place is often, for the time being, once a week. It’s relaxing and an escape from reality to go see him for 24 hours. I feel so happy and relaxed with life afterwards. I wonder if I make him feel like that afterwards?

Any other type of relationship and I’d have to deal with his moodiness, and he with mine. That’s not fun, that would make it less of an escape. He’s a harsh one. One instant, it seems like one word, could change things permanantly for the worse with no chance for forgiveness. As of right now, I get his happy side, and he mine. That’s a good thing, cause it’ll keep me in his favor longer. How can that be bad? It is definatly good. I get his good mood, his good smiles, conversations, sex. I don’t want to see his other side. I would cower in a corner! And who knows how he’d react to a girl that does that. I don’t know, and I refuse to guess.

Promises to self:

1. be happy with the current state of my relationships

2. enjoy the blissful moments as they come, do not try to capture/control them

3. I enjoy being transparent

new topic: I’ve been comprimised!

It sucks having a computer techie as a spouse. I found out that he was spying on my website hits the other day? I don’t know if he noticed the hits to this site, but I don’t want to risk it. I could easily see him not mentioning it just so that he could be privy to my private thoughts from here on out. So this is the first entry of my new journal under my new id. And I will just have to only post to this journal on computers/networks other than his to ensure that I have some privacy.

Confront him on it? No way….i don’t want to risk bringing it to his attention if he didn’t know about it. That wouldn’t make him very happy I’m sure….to know there’s a journal out there that I specifically don’t want him to read.