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i was in my room with the doggie, he was laying with me on the floor beside me, there were ppl in the room, crowding me. A wasp was flying around, i tried to kill it, but missed. i was covering my face so it wouldn't sting me. there was a lil bat caught in a spider web and it kept eating the web and turned into a mouse. it ran out of my room, i was scared of it. my roommate tried to catch it, i warned him of getting bitten and rabbies.
i was dressed up after the sporting event and was with past friends/co-workers. they were trying for competitive interviews. i wasn't. we went up elevators. i saw at a table by myself rather than ask to sit down and face rejection. a couple ppl came up to me. i sat and talked for a bit. the one guy told me i was spoiled. i said i didn't realize i was. his gf sitting beside him said she would like to be spoiled more. they asked if i'd ever volenteered, shocked to hear i hadn't. i explained i was never required to down in the states.
when i first came to his house this past friday he had me get on my knees to give him oral pleasure within 10 mins of me showing up at his place. this is something he does every now and then. i enjoy it emmensly. i enjoy being there to please him however and whenever he wants. he stood there with his hands on his hips. i snuck looks to see his hands there, not daring to raise my eyes any higher (i'm a bit shy if our eyes happen to meet when my lips are wrapped around him) as i sucked and licked his dick affectionately. i felt like he was standing there, hands on his hips, passing judgement or something on me. i felt small, like a lil child, being watched carefully for any mistakes.
i greatly enjoy being his submissive.
we were lying in his futon, kissing and whatnot. i was aching to feel his dominance. he put his hand around my neck, as he sometimes does. i love when he does that, i love raising my chin to expose my neck to him. i deeply enjoy feeling at his mercy. because i trust him so much in that regard, i trust his care and thought and that he will push me far to the edge and over, when he wants. he doesn't push too hard or far, he is so considerate of me. that consideration just makes me want to give it all up to him, makes me trust him so much more with everything i have to offer. there is so much sexual desire in me just from that one act of his hand wrapping around my neck, of his look at me when he does it. this particular time, he commented, with his fingers around my neck, that "you look so submissive right now". that made me so happy, to know that he can see how submissive i was feeling, and to know that he enjoys that about me. i don't think i said much, maybe i moaned. all i could think was i feel SO submissive right now, and so horny right now, all for you. i felt like i would do anything for him.
he also teased my nipples so bad friday afternoon. i don't know for how long, maybe only 10 mins, but it seemed forever, i was dripping wet. fighting so hard not to touch myself, not to squirm away from his touch too much. they were very sensitive and he just kept gently twisting and pulling them, nothing rough, but constant, direct stimulation. oh! i finally resorted to masturbating myself. and he shoved his cock down my throat and got off. i greatly love him above me with his cock down my throat. i love feeling trapped and at his mercy. i enjoy him doing exactly what he wants when he wants. i enjoy that he tells me exactly what he wants when he wants it. i am good at following directions, and i feel so good to bring him to orgasm or make him happy. he always thanks, he is always appreciative. i do my best to return his consideration with thank yous as well. it feels so good to be acknoledged so constantly, and consistantly. so good. it feels just as good to say thank you to him, i say thank you to him more than i think i have all my life! to hear him say "you're welcome", is addicting? it simply feel so good to me, his direct eye contact, his smirk.
and to top the night off? a good, rough fucking session of course :) he was moving in close, and i wanted him to get rough, so i played hard to get and pulled a chair between us. he got me and hugged me. i slipped out of the hug and ran away a few feet and turned around to grin at him. he came up and got the hint. wrapped his arms around me and moved me towards the leather chair in the living room. he bent me over it as he undid my pants and pulled them down to expose me to him. i struggled a lil, but not too much, cause i so wanted him inside me, to feel him thrusting, to hear him cum. he unzipped his pants and put his dick me in and fucked me hard. i enjoyed each pounding thrust, it feels so good. "what's my name" he says and i joyfully reply "Master" as loudly as i dare. "again" he says. "Master" i dutifully reply louder, with a big smile. i love calling him Master. i love following his command. "that's right, don't you forget it" he says. "i won't" i reply, how could i? why would i? he orgasms in me and i enjoy his growls, i enjoy knowing i give him such pleasure. i press my body back into him to feel him deeper inside me. i enjoy each tremble after his orgasm and i smile and sigh and feel very satisfied.
this was my weekend past. 28 hours of pleasure. i am happy with him. i am sexually satisfied with him. i desire no one but him and i wish to do as he asks of me, inside the bedroom, and even a little outside of it. and it's almost been 4 months already!
**hugs doll** you are worthy of him. you are honest and you respect him.
- Location:home
- Music:silence...for once..
i am frustrated that i'm getting bent outta shape over a $12 cost to switch the site. and that's not even confirmed yet, he's going to call them and see.
i am frustrated that i feel i have no control over what's going on.
i want to have a say in what food we're bringing. it's only for 6 meals, 2 nights, 3 days. i just want sandwiches, fruit and veggies for lunch. hotdogs/hamburgers and s'mores for one dinner, and an easy dinner for when we arrive cause i know it'll be late, we'll have site to set up, and just finished atleast an hour long drive. he wants eggs and bacon for breakfast, that's fine by me. i'd like some snack food, and that should be enough, it's only 2 nights. i don't want to eat rice for the duration of it.
i am frustrated because i feel he wants to buy all this stuff for just 2 nights, and i don't want to do that. all i need's a camping chair, and we could use a crappy frying pan/pot to cook over the fire with. there's not going to be lotsa private areas for him to go hunting descreetly.
i am frustrated because it's going to cost me $700 for just 3 days, at a camp site that's gonna be packed with ppl, close together, and very main stream. the cost is mainly due to the car rental, above anything else. which is a cost i'll have to incur since we don't have a car :P
i'm frustrated because i'm concerned with the timing of my credit card bill and the receipt of OSAP. i want to maintain a good credit rating, but i feel i'll miss a month's payment. not the end of the world, but it'll ruin my perfect credit streak that i've had up til this point in time.
it's okay doll. you're going to see him tomorrow. you can discuss your meal desires then.
*hugs* it'll all work out and be okay, you'll see :)
- Location:home
- Mood:
frustrated
he sees his "sister" dancing and he makes comment that she's "glaring at him" and he doesn't know why. she sees his sister dancing but doesn't notice her glaring. she only feels so proud to be beside him, in this moment, listening to such a wonderful song. she thinks that maybe his sister is a lil jealous of her. their fighting must have something to do with someone's desires. but she doesn't want her happiness coated with such an ugly emotion as being proud of someone else's jealousy or loss. she spreads it out until it's deluted to feel pride that, of all the girls there, she's the one in his arms, listening to him sing the words to the song in her ear. she closes her eyes and smiles as she takes a deep breath in, and out. she is so happy and proud to be this man's girl. she asks him again what song it is, because she's already forgotten. he tells her again. she again, tries to burn it into her memory so that she won't forget. the music is building up and she feels so good in this moment. "...i don't regret the choices that i have made...you'd feel the same...my beloved...these are feelings that do not pass so easily..." the chorus hits and she feels lifted. she closes her eyes to focus only on his voice, the music and his touch. "..time remains..proud...no pain, no feelings....eternity awaits...fly...longing...no pain, no feelings...eternity awaits"
the music levels off and she feels sustained in a wonderful cloud of pride and happiness. she opens her eyes and sees his "sister" bouncing around on the dance floor when it starts up again. she watches everyone enjoying themselves in their drunken dancing. she feels glad that she's not terribly drunk, only enough to feel good. she feels happy that she satisfies him and visa versa. the vocals start again and she is glad that she gets to enjoy this moment a little longer. "my beloved...year...please...something deeper than the need to remember...i do not regret...you'd feel the same..." the music hits the chorus again and she continues to feel so good. "...moments...time...i am so proud...eternity awaits..."
the desire to kiss him comes upon her out of the blue, not quick, but slow, and instant. she slowly releases enough from his arms to turn around close to him. he says what, and she responds with a look and stepping up on her toes just slightly to him for a kiss. slowly she kisses him, passionatly, deeply. she puts her palm on the side of his neck and presses her lips to him, slowly, gently, but firmly enough to hopefully let him know that she is so happy right now and desires him with all her being. "...moments...time...i am so proud...no pain, no feelings....eternity....eternity..." she softly presses her body again him, desiring nothing but simply to be here with him, kissing him. she feels very open and obvious to everyone, but it feels so good to so openingly express her affection for him. the kiss is paused for a moment as she stops briefly to breathe and he says, let's get out of here. the song is still going, but winding down. she agrees without hesitation and holds his hand as he leads her out of this place.
- Location:school lab
- Mood:
pleased - Music:"beloved" VNV nation
when he asks me what's wrong, ask him if he's refering to "this", and fill in "this" with whatever you think it's most likely he's refering to.
i do not exepct anything from him.
i am happy in the present moment to be his girl, to be sexually satisfying him.
he is not using you. he is not deceiving you. he is sincere in his smiles. i trust him with my emotions and who i am. he is not thinking of the best way to manipulate or use you.
i deserve his attention. i am worthy of his time and intelligence.
i am deserving of this sexually experienced, intelligent, confidence, considerate goth man. and he is deserving of this girl. i can hold down a job, i am not crazy, i'm fairly emotionally stable, i have a decent head on my shoulders, i don't do drugs and i do what he says.
we were laying in my bed after a good fuck and he was talking about honesty the other day. i brought up again how i'm more obedient and submissive around him than i am around anyone else. i expressed concern over this. i had read in his self help book that it's not good to be approval seeking, which is how i see my actions towards him as being. i do what he tells me and listen and enjoy what he does because i want his approval. i told him that "i like you and i want to make sure that you like me", or something like that. i regret saying that i like him so directly. i knew if we talked about that stuff that it would come out of my mouth.
it's not that i'm a completely different person when i'm not around him, it's not like i hate his music, or what he talks about, or the sex we have. i greatly enjoy the sex and a lot of his music. and i greatly enjoy listening to him talk, i simply may not always be interested in hearing about cars or his games. it's not like i'm terribly emotional and crying and hating and being angry or something when i'm not around him. i simply make sure to watch what i say, think about my words. i still edit my stories to him a little. otherwise they'll be very emotional, and i really don't want to make it any more obvious how much i like him than i already do. and yes, i don't talk as much around him because i know i tend to blurt things out without thinking, and they're usually emotional. i don't want that.
i have some trust issues, and i simply don't feel comfortable under his gaze to go into such details all the time. it's not that i think he'll betray me, or purposely hurt me or use me or manipulate me. i know he is not that type of person. it's not that i'm concerned that the naked pictures he's taken of me will end up in the wrong hands, or that i even car where he went yesterday (or not) with his friends. it's not that, i want to make it clear. i enjoy him taking the naked pictures and he's allowed to have his privacy if that's what he wants.
he's said more than once that he wants to hear me talk more. that he wants me to talk about more personal things with him. he has opened the channel. he's even given me what to say to initiate it in case i don't feel comfortable. all i have to do is say, Adam, there's something on my mind that i would like to talk about, is this a good time? the fact he's done this makes me so happy and makes me feel that he cares about what i would talk with him about.
i talked with him about my sister, and wanting to email her to get us back on talking terms, hopefully. hopefully that's personal enough for him.
he said we'll take it in small steps. i like small steps.
**hugs babydoll** i love you.
i had the most wonderful sexual experience this weekend past with my bf. went to the club, hung out with his friends, danced and enjoyed his company emmensily. came home to his place and he fucked me so hard everywhere. he commanded me so completely. we roleplayed Master/slave. i have never experienced such domination or degration.
he was so distant. his expressions so neutral, bordering on anger or displeasure. most of the duration i felt i displeased him as a reaction to his face. he explained after, his desire to have complete compliance, obedience. he said i did well. i know i wasn't perfect.
he said after that he felt closer to me as a result of our sexual play. i do not understand how me following his complete command makes him feel closer to me. i do not understand how i want such complete degradation. i do not understand how he enjoys it.
i do not understand how i am so emotional yet so distant. i said nothing after he said he felt closer to me. i did not feel closer to him. if i believed in god i would say, oh help me god, here. i know this is suppose to be my happy place.
i don't like myself, so is it wrong to be who he wants to see if it makes me happy? it's not so different, but so distinctly/specifically different. to be more clear: it's like taking the deepest desire and tweeking it in the slightest, but most meaningful way. i knew was what i wanted, but didn't know how.
i don't know if i've let a soul in. any pain is self inflicted. i can project and reallocate very well. he is one of the most amazing ppl i've ever met, if not the best. intelligent, kinky, confident, adaptable, conscious, original, focused, emotional, understanding, thoughtful. i told him that i want him a couple months ago, and i still want him. i regret nothing, despite knowing that i most likely won't remain his significant other forever.
i am worthy. i am capable of love. i am capable of loving him enough to keep him satisfied. i am worthy or his attention. i am capable of self love and of loving him. i am capable of love. i can and will break the old habits. i am letting him in and risking failure, distaste and solitude.
**hugs doll** i love you, and you're worthy of my love.
- Location:35 degree room
- Music:VNV nation - beloved
but i left a good msg :) and he'll get it when he comes home tonight. hopefully it puts a smile on his face :) i feel good for calling anyways, even if i should've remembered that he wouldn't be home before i picked up the phone.
i had a good day. i enjoyed work today, i enjoyed my coworker's company. i enjoyed not having the boss around. i enjoyed the busride home and the grocery shopping. i enjoyed cooking my fishies and peeling/cutting carrots and making my lil trail mixes. i enjoyed the walk over to the grocery store to deposit my $420.19 check (hehe 420). i enjoyed eatting my bad dinner of burger king. i enjoyed writing down my meals for the day.
i know it hasn't been the healthiest lately, but definately better than the crap i was eating the first few weeks on my own. i feel i'm doing good. i'm keeping eating out to 1 or 2 times a week. and i'm working in excercise when i can. it's not the 3 times a week that i'd like of running and crunches, but i am when i can. i'm incorporating walks into my excersize regime as well. cause they count as excersize, and i like them a lil more than running/crunches. i do still enjoy the feeling of a good hard run and pushing myself to do as many hard crunches and pushups as i can.
you are doing great babydoll.
not to mention you have a great bf whom you care about very much.
**hugs doll** g'night
- Location:home, traffic
- Mood: happy
he is considerate and thoughtful. i greatly enjoy spending time with him. i respect him and he respects me. we are open and honest and it feels so good. i am glad that we are so considerate towards eachother. everything just feels so good and i am very content and happy with how our relationship is right now.
i am so glad he isn't a pushover like most of the guys in this world. i am so glad of his intelligence, of his different past to mine, it's all such a relief, so refreshing. i am so glad that i have the opportunity to be his gf right now. i am proud to be his girl.
i feel so beautiful and taken care of.
remember this moment doll, rarely have you felt such encompassing happiness.
**hugs doll**
- Location:home
- Mood: complacent
i am very happy for my choice to be with Adam.
i am controlling my deep emotions very well around him. i am ensuring that i have enough personal outlets for myself to release my emotions in private (or with my gf ryoko). i enjoy walks, i treat myself to good food and a movie/episode. i enjoy writing in this journal emensily to releive any emotions troubling me. i make a huge effort here to be positive towards myself, and i feel i am doing a wonderful job at it.
i hope that all the girls "crazy" girls in his past don't compare to me. in other words, i hope that i will not be "crazy" in his eyes.
i am tired of putting myself down, stressing all the time, and being negative, so it does not happen here. when i wrote my first poem/writing for Adam, it was the most positive writing i'd done in a while. that was one of the eye openers for me. thank you Adam for that.
thank you mariah for being kind to yourself and positive and for taking care of yourself emotionally.
**hugs to you babydoll**
i love you, i love you, i love you
- Mood: cheerful
work is frustrating and stressful. i feel incompetant most of the time. it's been about 2 months now. all i want is a job that doesn't take all my time, that makes me smile because of the ppl, and lets me feel i've accomplished something, without draining me of all my energy all the time.
i am so sore from all the fucking and deep throating. i have never had this much rough sex, in such a short period of time. i was bleeding last week, and today was the first day in almost a week that it didn't hurt to go to the bathroom :/
he's asked me twice if i'm worth his time. is he doubting? does he see my doubts?
i check my email too much and the emptiness of it is driving me crazy.
i had to kill bob this morning. apparently he was infact a girl spider, because i found a lil nest of baby spiders (ew!) on my bullitin board this morning. it's too bad, because i was hoping he would be busy eating all the earwigs in my room to keep me safe. i can handle a spider or 2, but not a whole nest of them.
it turns out i don't have to work this thursday morning, and i already told him that i do. do i correct myself? do i let him come over then wednesday night? how do i tell him that i don't want him coming over without hurting his feelings? i really don't want to continue to be sore, and i really don't want to be up that late wednesday, because now i can spend the extra time studying for my exam on friday.
i enjoy the sex tho, and i enjoy his company and the different way he is and the similarities we share in opinions. i enjoy lazing about with him, i enjoy kissing him and going for walks with him. i enjoy the way he kisses my hand, or when he grabs me firmly. i enjoy the way he slows my world down, and shows me how wonderful it is to be child-like again. i enjoy so much the care he takes of me when we're out walking or on the bus, how he steers me clear of broken glass, keeps an eye out for shady characters and holds me tight when the bus makes a sharp turn. i enjoy his positive feedback on my cooking or stories or sexual activities, and i enjoy the care he takes of me when we're doing something new, to ensure i am okay with everything.
i am working on spending time with myself. i'm rewarding myself when i feel i've done something worthy. i took a nice long walk last night for me after studying for 6 hours. i'm coming to terms with spending time alone with myself, and accepting that there's nothing wrong with that.
i was so grumpy last night making dinner....i couldn't get the lid off the relish jar! i was struggling and swearing and near tears because i had been so set on having sausages for dinner, and i ate good all day long so that i wouldn't feel guilty for eating so badly for dinner. and then i was having such trouble, and there was no one around. i felt like such a helpless girl, and so frustrated and upset. i finally used a butter knife to pry open the lid and it popped off. i was very giddy and satisfied with myself after that. beforehand, i was feeling very dependant on men and i was cursing myself for living alone and not having anyone to open jars. i also swore that i'd never buy a lidded glass jar again to prevent such mishaps :P
here's what to do doll:
1. only check your email every 2 days, onthe even days, when you get home from work/school
2. repeat to yourself 5 times in front of the mirror, out loud, that you are worthy of Adam's time, and think up 5 reasons why you are
3. tell adam that you made a mistake and you don't have to work this thursday, and let him decide what he wants.
- Location:computer lab
- Mood: irritated
- Music:silence...tg
I dreamed of him a couple nights ago. It wasn’t the first time. He was singing to me, telling me a story somehow. I was at a house where there was a party going on, a house I’ve never been at before. I don’t remember too much from the dream, but I remember that it was a good feeling.
on the other hand, when he says "good girl"....it hits me deep and brings such pleasure and satisfaction... i've never felt quite like that when giving head, which is usually when he says it. but he says it other times, and it has the same effect. when he says that, i feel that i have pleased, and that brings me such a deep pleasure to hear him verbalize that. rarely has a guy ever made me feel that.
rarely has a guy made me feel a lot of what he makes me feel. when we play rape, it's rough and i do my best to encourage him to be rougher. but he tells me he is easy with me, and takes care not to harm me. the last time we played, he was bending my arm behind my back. he had me by the wrist and was twisting it back very firmly, but i felt his care in the slow way he bent it back. in the attention he gave to the direction he was adjusting me. i feel so much trust for him not to harm me, to know my limits, that i simply want to offer him more control, more of my submissiveness. the responsibility he accepts when i give it to him is amazing. my experience with this has not compared to what he's shown me in these few months. he does not simply take with no thought to me, nor does he give all his thoughts to me, taking away from his control. he has control, confidence and knows all the care that it entails. but he knows how to be a dom, he knows how to please himself first, he knows how to demand, and when to ask. i feel that i have rarely refused him even when he asks. to know that when i am in the frame of mind with him, i would do just about anything if he simply asked. the meer thought that i am at the mercy of his strength and voice turns me on quick and so much. to hear him say that to me, and to have me admit my willingness to serve him sexually, verbally, is very erotic.
it's against how i usually am, how i've been in the past, how i am with others. i do not want this in me to get bored and rebel. i am deeply enjoying this feeling right now. he has me satisfied in more than one way right now and i feel so good. giving up control to him means that i don't always get what i want. but right now, i feel that:
1. what i want isn't always as important as i initially think, and
2. i usually get what i want from him, just on his terms and in his time frame, when he wants to give it to me
the satisfaction he gives me is worth so much to me right now. it is as i said to him: i will do anything i can to get back what we once had.
**hugs doll**
i love you. let him know how much you care about him by telling him verbally !!
- Location:home
- Mood:
cold - Music:silence
by me enjoying the way he forcefully treats me in our play rapes, i am accepting his behaviour as good. my insecurities of whether this is good by societies standards are not of my concern, but the unothodoxity of it makes me nervous. i desire to be accepted by society without any stares at me because of my sexuality. i have accepted that i enjoy masterbation and that it is good. i have accepted that i enjoy bondage and that it's good. i am surprised at my enjoyment in giving control to Adam in respect to play rapes and nonsecual decisions. i am scared of him enjoying a play rape with me and i am scared of me allowing and enjoying a play rate with him. i am scared of enjoying the abuse and i am scared of pushing him with my talk to hit me harder, hold me tighter and fuck me harder.
i accept you mariah in all your sexual desires and enjoyment. i am happy that you have found a man who is strong enough and respectful enough to give me the fantasies i so deeply desire and have had for such a long time.
there is nothing wrong with your desire to have a man restrain you and use you as he so desires to bring him to orgasmic pleasure. i am consenting and he doesn't treat me like that outside of our roleplay. even during the RP he takes care not to bring me any serious harm and he always takes care of me during and after by asking if i'm alright.
i am sorry for projecting y judgements and fears towards myself onto you.
i am sorry for judging your sexual preferences.
i am insecure in accepting what i enjoy. i am unsure of admitting i enjoy it too soon. i am fearful i'll change my mind later if it ends up being too often or too kinky for me.
i have no excuses for my behaviour. i was wrong to judge you. i am sorry Adam
- Location:Adam's futon
- Music:singing birds
my bf, in my dream, said to me "i know your secret". i don't remember exactly what he said after, if it was my fear of him leaving, or if he actually said that he was leaving.
i have such a huge fear that he is going to find out something about me that he will dislike enough to end our relationship. it's not that i've killed someone, or that i'm lying to him. i am simply doing my best to be the person that i feel he wants. it is what i do at the start of any relationship i have with a guy that i like.
he knew before that i wasn't being myself, he knew that i was editing my emails, i was scruitinizing everything i said. i am still doing that, only not nearly to the exstent i was before. i have been letting my choice of words slip and i have been more open, in my opinion, of my thoughts.
living in fear gets me nothing. it doesn't show him how much i care about him. spending my time here writing how i fear that he'll leave does not show him that i'm thinking of him, that i love him.
do something to show him that you're thinking of him doll.
**hugs** live in love, not fear. take action to show him you're thinking of him, don't waste your time here in fear...go! :)
I let out a huge sigh over the phone. He believes it to be a sigh of elation. No, I reply. Maybe it is partly, but elation is not what I am feeling. I am feeling, I say. I pause, in an attempt to grab these feelings and put them to words. I struggle mentally for what seems like 5 whole seconds. So long, but he is silent as he waits for me to continue. How do I explain that I am so thankful to be the girl that he trusts enough to give oral to? How do I explain that I feel so special to be the first girl, in such a long time, that he trusts enough to give this pleasure to again? How can I express the sadness that I feel in letting him down by having all these problems? The problems that are the reasons he is so picky about who he gives head to. How do I say that I am afraid that I have betrayed his trust because of everything going on? Not terrible-gut-wretching guilt, but guilt none the less. Guilt that is enough to push aside the compliaments of being the first girl he’s trusted in a long time to receive oral from him, resulting in such a sigh.
I express this to him, in my fumbling words, that I doubt accurately convey anything clearly at all. I feel a slight fear that I have overstepped a line that is invisible to me. I fear, simply, that I have said too much. But this lasts for such a short moment, because in no time at all I hear the words “I forgive you.” For him to give those words to me so assuringly, when I see now that I so obviously wanted to hear them, is new to me. If I ever felt elation, I did there. But elation is too strong of a word. What I felt was so subtle and deep. It’s more like a pile of rocks, deep in a volcano, and a ghost of a hand gently lifted one of the small rocks and set it aside, ever so slightly. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” “But, it’s conditional on you following the diet.”
Conditional? I feel disappointment and baggage just starts pouring out of the closet in my mind. Conditional is the only love I get from my parents. Conditional love pushes them away from be because they don’t accept me. I don’t like conditional love. But this is conditional fogiveness. I think of how easily I have his forgiveness, as long as I can follow the diet he’s outlined. Confidence in my ability to accomplish this for 2 weeks is there. The pleasure of his forgiveness feels better than any candy bar or slice of bread would bring me. “I”ll do the diet with you.”
I don’t know if I have ever felt such pleasure as when he told me that. I am sure I have, but when he said that, I felt I was not alone. I felt he was there to help me. I know it was a good 20 minutes into the conversation, and that he had been giving me the advice that I had hoped he’d have when I picked up the phone. I know that everything up to that point from him had been very supportive. But to join me? That surpassed everything prior, surpassed anything that I had imagined the conversation heading, and was like that invisible hand gently touched another little rock and slid it over beside the other one.
I understand the analogy. Just feeling it isn’t clear enough to me, but when I can explain it as I have, I understand. I know how I am in relationships. I know I put up walls. I know that I try and be as close to the person that I think is wanted. I know I distrust where there is no reason for it. I know I see everything through a hazy glass of perfection. I also know that the walls crumble, eventually, and I trust the person. I know that the glass eventually breaks and everything is razor-sharp clear and ugly. I know that I eventually get tired of being someone I’m not and begin to rebel, reflecting the person I am when I was living with my parents. I know that there’s nothing quite like the feel of something new.
*hugs* to you babydoll. you saw something you wanted and you went after it. :)i am so thankful and happy and pleased to be his girl. to hear him call me all the names he thinks up, to watch him smoke, to give him smiles and laughs and pleasure....it all gives me such pleasure and satisfaction. i feel so light and relaxed. i almost feel that if anything happened, it'd be okay, as long as he was with me.
he is a benefit that i am so happy to have in my life atm.
babydoll, you're geogeous and i'd fuck you anytime :) i look forward to spending this sunday with you.
- Location:home
- Mood: cheerful
- Music:busy street
why? what good does that do me now?
if he's all choked up about it why didn't he propose over a year ago when he got the ring? seriously?
why was he sitting on it? he must've been having doubts ffs. but instead he throws it all on me like it's my fault. bitch.
and i used him? didn't he say once that he knew i'd leave? that he knew i was using him and he even said today that he let me. wtf? so just because i moved up here to canada and used his financial stability because i cared about him i'm a horrible person. fuck you! home was horrible, i wanted out, and you offered. it was only for 2 of the 5 fucking years that i was going to school and dependant financially on him. i paid for the first fucking year my fucking self and worked a fucking year once i graduated to help pay for my last 4 semesters. i would've gotten financial assistance from my parents if i stayed in the states. and if i was such a fucking financial burden then why the fuck did he keep me around.
for the sex? cause i was looking good to him and his fat ass? who was using who? fuck you. i'm pissed.
thanks doll, thanks for the vent. now i can concentrate on something more productive, like ensuring i know my shit for my new job.
**hugs* smile, it's a geogeous day, first day of a new job tomorrow. be happy from within. don't rely so much on the surrounding events.
- Mood: angry
i feel alone, but as my friend mike says, i'm never alone.
i feel that i must've said something wrong in the email. that the meer act of sending it was disrespectful of his privacy. that the meer fact that it's been 2 months was too long. i fear that i've ruined it before it's even begun.
i fear if i'm given the opportunity with him, that it won't work out. i've never been broken up with, i've always been the one breaking things up, and i fear that he would be the one to end things, that i would have so much on the line, that i'd be so depressed and wanting him back at any cost. and at any cost would only degrade me in his eyes and make me more undesirable. a catch 22.
so many fears right now, so many doubts. frustration that i haven't heard from him. amazed that he's already made me cry atleast 3 times in axiety over whether he still wants me. and the first time he made me cry was half for that, and half cause i felt like a whore, which is kinda similiar, cause no one wants a whore a second time.
so many fears and doubts. not qualities that are really a selling point.
i half fear of receiving an email from him at this moment because i fear it will be denial. atleast at this moment in time i am in doubt and can hope for acceptance. i can imagine what i will say, run it over in my mind, replay the happpiness, the relief.
i know he won't want to have sex at first. i imagine he'll want to ease back into it. anyway he wants to do it is fine with me, as long as i get to stand beside him in the end. as long as i can see his smile and slow nod of approval. as long as i can hear his deep voice giving commands in the bedroom, and his respect and politness outside of the bedroom. his ability to differentiate is amazing and adds to his ability to surprise with variety. not many ppl that i've met are able to separate. i know i have difficulty with it.
have some confidence in yourself doll. it has been 2 months, he prolly put you behind him. he only needs some time, please be patient. you are worthy of him. and he does care for you. i believe that he enjoyed the sex with me. i find him amazing in bed, but i'm sure he gets that from all the girls, and the last thing i want to do is sound like all the rest of them.
please have patience, give him some more time. if you haven't heard anything in a week, send him another msg. a week is plenty of time i believe? respect him and give him space and your patience. be positive.
please Adam please. i hope that i please you as much as you do me. please. i want you.
- Mood:
distressed
i know it's partially because i'm so tired.
positive things about today:
i worked 3 hours and made $27, i got a ride home from my coworkers (even tho i felt bad about having them drive outta there way), i was able to get the affidavit nulled, i was able to finally send the email i've been wanting to send Adam for the past 2 months, i had a very promising interview today at a job that would pay me $10/hour and work around my schedule, i was told in the interview that i have a nice personality, i was able to get my bus pass after waiting in like 50 mins, i saw atleast 4 ppl trip on the escalator (which was quite amusing to me)
the only things that are bring me down right now are the bad feelings about my coworkers having to drive me home tonight, my roommates suggesting i wear sandals in the house cause my feet are dirty and leave marks on the floor, and that Adam hasn't emailed me back yet.
my coworkers didn't have to drop me off, i only wanted to go to the office, i said that, i was willing to walk the rest of the way home.
and it's good that my roommates tell me these things so that i can change and be a good roommate that they like and that they'll want to keep around. the rent is so cheap, i doubt i'l be able to live elsewhere for as little. all inclusive for $300? come on! internet, phone, everything! i am so lucky that they posted it that night, and that i saw it and responded and accepted so quick. all i need to do is make an effort to be as clean as i can whereever i go outside of this room, in this house. leave nothing in the shower/sink. leave the sink in the kitchen area clean, whip the counter after each meal, keep my things away, wear slippers of some sort to keep my dirty socks off the floor. that's all.
and as for Adam, i didn't expect him to email me. it's only been a few hours since i emailed him. it's just my anxiety of not knowing if he'll have me. maybe i've waited too long, maybe he won't like me once he hears that i've inflicted harm to myself and cheated in the past. maybe he'll realize that i'm too emotional and have too much emotional baggage and cause him simply more trouble than i'm worth, no matter how good i am at deep throating or however much i enjoy bondage.
i fear i'm not good enough for him.
you're a wonderful girl doll, any guy would be lucky to have you. you're sexy and kind and easy going, to a point.
all you can do is hope. it's out of your hands. let him have the control. trust him to have the control.
*hugs* get some sleep doll, it'll help. get your room organized and trust him to respond when he so desires.
and be a good, clean roommate. be considerate, treat it like you're at a guest's house. can't go wrong then
- Mood:
so so so tired
did it ever occur to them that maybe i need some sympathy too? that i've spent the last 5 years with a man i don't love. that i've been unfilfilled in bed by him. that he no longer makes me the person i want to be?
i'm not saying that he doesn't need the sympathy. any man who would stay with a girl who cheated on him twice and who still lvoes very much, would need all the sympathy he can get. but what about me? it's not like i'm leaving cause he's perfect and he satisfies me. don't i desearve anything for that? for getting the courage to leave? when i should've left after the 1st time i cheated?
i'm angry that he never asked me to marry him. 5 years and never once. i'm jealous that my younger sister has had the honor of having a man ask her, with a ring, to marry him, and i haven't. even tho he refused him and it was real messy, someone wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and was willing to buy the ring and put himself out there. 5 years and i didn't even get that honor. he always had excuses instead.
doll, you do desearve a little sympathy and respect for what you're doing. it takes a lot of guts. i am sure that they don't hate you, i'm sure they simply don't know what to say. and are a lil defensive for his sake towards me.
*hugs doll* hold your support group tight with your gf and your friend out of province. and here was well. don't be atraid to feel, simply don't wallow in it.
i plan to establish a nice running/workout regime once i've moved out this weekend. it'll be a good destressor/deangerer.
and try not to worry about work, you will find a job soon. cash flow may be a lil tight the first few weeks, but you'll get thru. if your survived that boss that yelled you can handle anyone. anyone else'll be a piece of cake and such a pleasure to work with.
you are very capable. just a lil "lacking in confidence". the other guy with help with that, i hope.
**hugs** almost there doll, 4 more days and you can email him, the moment you've been waiting for for 2 months. if i prayed, i would pray that he'd accept me. for now, i hope with all the hope and dreams i can gather.
**hugs** smile and sit up straight, you are worthy.
- Mood: angry
- Music:kid with horrible high pitched scream in the mall
yesterday evening was perfect. i saw him, came to work, found a room for rent that was posted just yesterday for the price i was hoping for, and furnished! imagine the luck of that. i see him and there it is. i saw the room last night and told them i'd take it. i'm calling them tomorrow to tell them when i'll move in (the 26 or 28th). i simply don't fee like time is going quick enough. i want to move out ASAP so that i can send him the email asking him to go out with me. i'm hoping he'll say yes. i'm so excited and unsure and nervous about everything.
you are never alone.
i hope that he likes me, i hope that he accepts me. i have fears and uncertainties. i have fears he will accept me and dislike me in the end. i have fears of him rejecting me straight out.
act maturely on emotions, be honest and be happy. that is all i feel he requires of me. those are things i want to practice.
i want to see his smile, see and feel his approval. watch him smoke his cig, stand beside him for the world to see. feel his hands on my head and dick in my throat.
less than a week doll. you can move out in less than a week. then you my msg him, only once you can meet all his requirements. be patient, please do not hurry, go slow. it's okay, it will come.
**hugs**
- Mood:
crazy
i saw him. he didn't turn around but it was him. i'd recognize him anywhere, atleast i'd hope. he was waiting at the bus stop not half an hour ago looking at a time schedule in his hands. all black clothes, black backpack. no sun glasses. short sleeves. i was making a right turn, looked left and there he was. the typical dry throat and shallow breathes. i didn't know what to do. i hit the brakes and sat there. hit the gas and then stopped again. gas, brake, atleast once more. i'm on my way to work. he doesn't want to hear from me. will he look. silently urging him to turn and look at me. hear the revs, please. notice me please. i don't have a date of moving out, i can't speak to him. but i want him. i want him to know that i'm moving out soon. i can't ask him to wait, but please know that i want you and i'm moving out soon. please understand. please accept me.
i didn't think until after i drove off, to honk the horn to get out and get on my knees before him, head bowed.
i want him. i just masturbated to his thought not an hour ago. i've got a possible apartment, tentively planning to move out at the end of the month, but it's not confirmed. the guy's still deciding if he wants to sell the place! of all the times. i want things to start as soon as possible. i want to know if he'll take me as soon as possible.
i couldn't've said anything to him. i have nothing. anything would've been disrespectful of his wishes. i'm glad i didn't say anything. i'm kinda glad he didn't turn around. his shunning would've been devastating. that is all he could've given me at the moment. it is best to wait until i can fulfill his ultimatum.
i want an apartment now. i want to be able to offer myself to him. i want to be able to have sex with him.
please hang in there doll. please be strong and move out soon. please put yourself out there for him to accept or reject. you hope that he accepts, you are trusting him to accept you. please, trust him doll. trust his deep voice and his understanding and sexiness (ok, the last part was horniness speaking). please.
*hugs*
- Mood:horny/wanting him/dry throat
